Before We Begin
This blog will include information on Hank from all official media from The Simpsons, including his episode, the games, the comics, and whatever else I could find. Given his limited screen time, I’m also not going to be particularly picky in regards to “canon” here, unlike with my previous discussion of Sideshow Bob.
Background
“Can't argue with the little things, it's the little things that make up life.”
Homer Simpson is a man who’s worn many hats throughout his life, whether that be as an actor, boxer, bodyguard, car designer, farmer, mall santa, roadie, talk show host, union leader, voice actor, and many other things. But even with all that, there’s likely no boss he’s had that was as good as Hank Scorpio. Looking for a high level nuclear engineer for his company, Hank would end up offering Homer a large paycheck and house in the idyllic Cypress Peak, and in spite of some hesitation from his family, he’d make the move.
Homer would fit right in at the company, mainly thanks to his boss’s hands-on and casual style, and would become friends with him after getting success. Despite this, he seemed oblivious to the fact that Hank was also a megalomaniacal James Bond style villain who had been using the company as a front for his plots for world domination quest. This was likely because despite what this might suggest, Hank is genuinely a nice guy towards his employees, and that meant Homer had no intention to leave.
However, as The Simpsons is an episodic show, this unfortunately couldn’t last forever. While Homer enjoyed his new life, the rest of his family was having a rougher time, as Lisa couldn’t enjoy nature due to being allergic to the town’s natural fauna, Bart had been placed in remedial classes due to his slacking, and Marge had grown despondent due to having nothing to do here. After hearing about this, Homer opted to make the tough choice to quit his job and move back to Springfield.
Despite moving to quit in the middle of a heated battle with the military, Hank was understanding of Homer’s reasons, and let him leave. But Homer had clearly left an impression on him, as after gaining control of the East Coast, he’d give Homer ownership of an entire football team since he heard Homer always wanted to run the Dallas Cowboys. Unfortunately, he was only able to get his hands on the Denver Broncos.
The two have had scattered interactions in the comics with other adventures involving him, including breaking him out of a Turkish prison, fighting a group of Shaolin pandas, and even becoming the mayor of Springfield for a time. However, he never stays around for long, always moving on to the next plot to take over the world. After all, nothing’s a better thing to look for in a boss than one who can bounce right back from any setback.
Intelligence & Skill
Hank Scorpio’s company being so successful does play into the idea that he’s skilled in the art of business. And as a boss, he’s a very good one, being very friendly and encouraging success from good workers while being understanding to those who wish to step away from their jobs. When it comes to his enemies though, he is rather ruthless, as you may expect of a man who’s weapon of choice is a fucking flamethrower. He and his employees are shown to be able to take on armed military soldiers and regularly has world leaders at his mercy. And he’s very skilled in dealing with spies, as his response to a spy that escaped a death trap before being captured was an immediate execution.
Equipment
On-Hand
Flamethrower
Hank’s main weapon of choice is a flamethrower, which he enjoys using a lot. You know what they say, love what you do and you never have to work a day in your life.
Grenade
He’s also equipped with explosives that are able to explode people.
Pistol
He’s only been seen using one for the dramatic pose on the cover of a comic, but presumably he keeps one for when he needs a less destructive method of killing.
Memory Erasing Gun
A weapon commissioned from Professor Frink, this is a ray that lets him erase the memories of anyone he uses on. He has the above-seen handheld one, but earlier he mentioned he also has a presumably larger one which was able to affect the entire country.
Corrosive Cocktail
A special blend of chemicals designed to melt tanks, and could probably be lethal on people given his reaction to Homer about to drink it. Though it apparently does not affect paper.
Upgraded Flamethrower
From his “Mastermind” Outfit in Simpsons Tapped Out, these are dual flamethrowers he can dual wield because why just kill when you can overkill.
Jet
Seen in the intro for a later episode, this is a plane which can fire missiles and that he can pilot pretty easily. He opted to get it over a Porsche.
Helicopter
In the comics he uses one to pick up his son from summer camp after he tried to dehydrate all the oceans of the world, at which point he rode off to take over New Zealand. Also yes he does have a son because the comics loved inventing new relatives for characters.
Globex Super Villain Car
An unlockable vehicle in Simpsons Hit & Run which presumably he should have access to given it was made by his company. This car has high acceleration, speed, and handling, which makes it ideal for high speed chases. However, it has low durability, so it can’t handle many collisions, and its wide profile can make it tricky to drive through more narrow passages.
Flying Car
This is a car that was able to evade a police chase, and had upgrades gone that allowed it to fly utilizing jet engines. Also has some death rays in the trunk.
Sugar
He has a bunch of it in his pockets for some reason. And also he doesn’t keep them in packets for some reason. And also he says he has cream as well for some reason.
The Lair
Hank’s base of operations, which has shifted occasionally but is usually in a mountain of some sort.
Doomsday Device
This appears to be a laser of some sort which Homer helped get up and running. It’s kind of unclear what it actually does beyond being a cannon of some sort, but it is presumably rather effective given Scorpio was able to take over the East Coast after finishing it.
Scalding Liquid
Good for taking down groups of soldiers. Goggles probably would not help.
Death Traps
Like any good Bond villain pastiche, Hank loves to take spies attempting to stop his plans and stick them in these, where he can monologue before leaving them to their demise. The main death trap he’s used is the classic laser aimed at a guy as they’re strapped to a table, and he’s also mentioned using a pit of alligators to dangle people over.
Prep Time
Dehydration Satellite
This is a satellite that was able to completely dehydrate the Indian ocean. Technically it was his son who used it, not him, but I feel it’d be reasonable to assume he could easily get access to it by virtue of just asking to use it.
Satellite Base
An orbital base disguised as a FOX broadcasting satellite, which comes equipped with floor magnets to stimulate gravity, communication satellites to contact the surface, and the Death Ray 3000. This is a powerful weapon which is supposed to turn people to goo, but after Lisa sabotaged it, it was only able to destroy cheese. Thankfully the threat of this was still good enough to take over France, so it all worked out.
House Rocket
When a scheme that involved kidnapping rich people from around the world went south, he ended up having to evade authorities using this. I didn’t think when business people went “to the moon” it was something that literally happened.
Super Laser
A satellite he installed on Moe’s which is actually a laser cannon. It was apparently intended to blow up a whole country, but it was also able to be set so it gave the entire country of Greece laser eye surgery. Somehow.
Nukes
A set of nuclear bombs, some of which were originally gotten in an arms auction from Mr Burns, which he is prepared to launch at a moment’s notice. After becoming the mayor of Springfield for a bit, he’d end up converting them to the sign of Springfield, with each letter correlating to which country it would end up getting launched at. Also the missiles are solar powered, so if you ignore the nuclear fallout they have no ecological impact whatsoever.
Abilities
Social Influencing
Hank has shown quite a bit of skill in talking his way around people. Beyond being generally sociable enough to keep his employees happy and loyal, he’s talked his way into getting access to a Russian rocket, and he pacified Mr Burns over just the course of a conversation.
Associates
The Globex Corporation
Hank Scorpio’s friendly and innocent high-tech company, which is actually a front for an evil organization bent on world domination. Based in the idyllic company town of Cypress Creek, this is a company Hank runs very casually, and this means his men are rather loyal to their boss. They also have numerous science divisions based in nuclear power, germ warfare, weather manipulation, and others, meaning his resources are rather large.
Some notable employees of the company include:
Various goons equipped with machine guns who are reasonably competent, able to hold their own against trained military soldiers.
A scantily clad woman who can do backflips and broke a guy’s neck with her legs
Henchman 13, who acts as getaway driver, was the one who upgraded Hank’s car to fly, and has literally sharp ears which can cut into things.
Shaolin Pandas
One time, while Hank was dabbling in ecoterrorism, he’d end up employing a bunch of Pandas who were trained in the art of Shaolin Kung Fu. These pandas are intelligent enough to receive commands, can use weapons, and if they are exposed to nuclear material, are able to mutate into building sized monsters.
Feats
Overall
Regular threat to the world
Took over the East Coast of America
Became President of France after threatening to destroy all their cheese
Set up a plan to kidnap rich and famous people and replace them with paid actors who proceeded to liquidate their assets for money
Took over America for a day before getting bored
Became mayor of Springfield and massively improved the town while setting up plots
Is a really good boss
Power
Has numerous weapons which have been used to threaten countries
Dehydration Satellite could completely dehydrate the Indian ocean
Speed
Durability
look bro has very few direct feats
Scaling
Given the fact he’s typically portrayed as being a threat to the entire world of the Simpsons as a whole, he should likely comfortably scale to wherever you have The Simpsons in stats. Not gonna make a whole thing for this since this was just done for fun and not with the intention of bringing up all the weird stuff in Simpsons scaling.
Weaknesses
Hank does have quite a track record, but he’s not totally flawless. For one thing, he is pretty reliant on his equipment and fortune to get anywhere, as without using it he’s really just a guy. Additionally, his niceness can extend to being a bit too nice, as throughout the comics, despite Lisa repeatedly trying to foil his plots, he tends to not care to try and stop her, likely due to her dad. Finally, as based as he is, due to a plot involving the replacement of rich people with paid actors, he’s indirectly responsible for the existence of Jar Jar Binks, which is truly his most evil act.
Possible Opponents
Big Jack Horner
(Puss in Boots: The Last Wish)
Both of these two are maniacal villains whose businesses act as mere fronts for their criminal enterprises, but contrast in having near opposite relationships with their employees. Also magic vs science is always a neat contrast. I could see this being a fun match, and the banter could easily be great. It’s not particularly deep thematically, but spoiler alert, none of these are, because a Simpsons one shot character is not designed for that.
Dr Evil
(Austin Powers)
This really doesn’t have much to my knowledge besides them both being quirky parodies of James Bond villains. But there’d be plenty of potential fun to be had with both of their respective resources bouncing off each other. I’ve admittedly not seen the Austin Powers movies in a while but from the clips I’ve seen it would be peak.
Handsome Jack
(Borderlands)
Another large business owner with grand ambition who has an opposite relationship with his employees. However, there’s further contrast in that while Hank is a genuinely nice guy that seems aware of the separation of his criminal endeavors and keeps things professional, Jack is so delusional and far up his own ass that he genuinely believes he’s the good guy despite being such a massive dickhead, and is very willing to get as petty as possible with his actions. I think this could be an interesting kind of crossover story, but there is kind of a huge disparity in terms of content and character here.
